Sometimes it takes just a little something to act as a reminder that - Hey, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Synchronicity. Ask and sometimes, you will receive.

Equinox

Today is the last official day of summer, and I am a little sad that it is already ending. These three months have been extraordinary, full of intensity and fun in equal measure. Tonight at 11:09pm is the autumnal equinox, where the length of days & nights are in balance. Thus begins our slow descent into wintry darkness.

Today, I am full of reflections on the summer. I feel balanced between the happy feelings of the best summer of my life as it slowly recedes behind me, and feelings of optimism of a comparable intensity about the coming season ahead of me. I love the fall, cooler air, hoodies, Halloween, the changing colors of nature. I remember how much I missed the season change to fall when I lived in Arizona, how the seasons flowed one into the next much more seamlessly in Flagstaff, how the pines maintained their green not just through winter but all year round. I missed the colorful hills and valleys of Pennsylvania. Now I am here, taking it all in. This is my favorite part of living in the northeast, and I will soak it all up while I'm still here. My mind can't help but think "I'm not ready for winter!" but there's a whole lovely interim season to act as a buffer between the hot, lively, active days of summer and the cold, sleepy, hibernating nights of winter.

I enjoy the change of the season, a reminder to take notice of the small shifts of awareness in my own life, of which I'm not always aware until the small changes accumulate to create a shift in perception, seemingly out of nowhere. This has been an interesting year in the life. Much has changed: friendships reaffirmed, friendships strengthened, allegiances lost, losses processed and more fully released. Continuing to learn the difficult lesson of letting go of what is no longer necessary. Difficult decisions about the continuity of life, trying to find ways of giving back without creating from scratch. Always trying to find a balance, always seeking new eyes with which to see this ever-changing world of ours...

"You may ask yourself, where does that highway lead to?"

Reentry

The Complete Persepolis

I finished reading The Complete Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi the other day, and I loved it! This is next year's selection for One Book One Philadelphia, and being the over-achiever that I sometimes am, I just had to get this one in right away. I love the graphic novel medium, and I really love what she did with this story. Her story is educational (I was dismayed to realize I know very little about Iran's troubled history); her story was also very personal, and moving. An excellent read, and especially important with the situation in the Middle East becoming ever more volatile (with U.S. involvement increasing) - every American should be reading this story. Although the perspective on Americans, especially through the eyes of Marjane as a child, is interesting - the US is portrayed as a frivolous, wealthy, self-centered collection of people - it is also enlightening, and more important than ever. It is so important that Americans take a look at themselves and their country's choices. For us Americans, a war brings economic losses and little else; we are cushioned and shielded from the actual costs of war, and this book is a lesson in consequences. It was also interesting to learn that there was a time in Iran's recent history when women were not required to wear a veil. It is so difficult to imagine growing up without the veil, and all of a sudden being required to wear it in public. An eye-opening, and entertaining read - check it out!

Sleep of the Just (For Now)

Reflecting on the changes of the season, about how lost I was in May, and by facing my loss I was found. Ground is returning beneath my feet. Seeing things from a more grown-up perspective than ever before. I faced my birthday bravely, and found that by being open to the now (instead of focusing on what was) I am able to enjoy myself fully in my present circumstance. I'm in a good place, with some transitory moments of weakness and doubt. My dreams are returning, slowly, and are as strange as ever. A new relationship is clicking into place naturally, and my understanding is expanding and developing - I am realizing why the last one had to fail. All of my complaints about how the split went down reveal to me the lacking nature of the relationship itself. Insights beckon at every turn. Tears still find me as memories long stored away surface on the shores of my consciousness, but I no longer fear them. I face the pain bravely, because it was all so very worth it. The love shared was worth any pain of loss now. The loss I have dealt with was all worth it, in the face of the new love I have found. I am distant enough to realize that the pain is not just my pain. I am far away enough to realize that my wounds are no longer his to heal, that he couldn't heal them if he wanted to. On the flip side of that coin, he can no longer hurt me. All these years I feared the day he would go from being my love to being my ex... only to see that my biggest fear was fear. The good memories bring me laughter as well as pain, and I'll carry them with me always. I accept my loss, as I accept my find - yin and yang, opposites that bring each other into clearer focus. Without misery there is no joy. There is new joy in my life now, and it was worth everything that came before.


"Pray for the day when my ship comes in
And I can sleep the sleep of the just again..."

...And We're Back

It's amazing what a drive with the top down on a warm sunny summer day can do to lift the spirits. Feeling a sense of gratefulness returning. Now that I got all of that yuckiness out of my system, I'm feeling much better, much more me, much more capable to handle the sense of - out of sorts - everything has today. Sort of like a real-life Waking Life experience. Everything looks the same as it always does, but is somehow different. I'm out of place among my familiar surroundings today. In PIHKAL, Shulgin discusses a fugue experience he has occasionally, and that comes to mind but doesn't quite explain the feeling. It's as if all of my life until now has been a dream, and for the first time my life is real. I've had clarity before, but now my eyes are truly open. Rather, not my eyes, but all of my senses - I've reached a milestone in my perception of the world today, and while it was difficult to handle at first, and my initial openness to it was limited, weed + acceptance + outside + tunes = :)

Marriage is a fucking lie, and other disappointments

For an idealist, I am losing a lot of faith in ideals lately. I still believe in love, but question its motives. I want to read a book that's called "How to Build a New & Better Relationship After Your Last One Failed Miserably and Went Down in Flames." Or maybe one called "How to Stop Being an Emotional Idiot."

To continue my recent reflections on marriage (and to continue examining the lie that is), I share this thought:

"I'm telling you now, and I don't know what I have to do to get it through that fuckin' head of yours, but the marriage thing is broken and sucks to begin with. It's almost like there's a fucking taxi that is busted with fucking steam coming out of the fucking engine and you're upset that you can't get in the backseat of it and go to Albuquerque. It ain't going there, its not happening. If you were fucking smart - and I'm not saying you, because you refuse to fuckin' say who you are; but these people in the fuckin parade - if they were smart, they would look for something Better than marriage. I cant sit around and support people who are so fucking stupid, they want to get on a broken fucking train. It's insane." -Ron Bennington, the Ron & Fez Show, 6/29/09

I usually love July, my favorite month in my favorite season, gives me cause to celebrate life. This year, it is instead bringing my loss into clearer focus. Reflecting on the beginning of my 28th year, I feel a little lost, uncertain, rejected, old. At the same time, also at my best yet, better than ever, best shape of my life or close to it, closer everyday to the ideal me. Yet, a little hollow, a little empty. But then again - that's just today. I think its this: expectations + weed + my perspective + migraine = :(

My perspective is poisoned today... I usually like to bring a ray of sunlight to my readers. The sunshine will be back soon. For a first post since the long winter, it could be worse. Much worse. But this is life - one person close to me recently married his soulmate; another close friend's marriage is facing a turning point. My reflections on and questions about marriage are timely, and relevant. Doors open, doors close, and we each have the freedom to choose how we will react to the change. Today, I'm choosing to take it badly. Well, maybe just a little too seriously. I say, for neither the first or last time, Lighten Up!

In an effort to do just that, lets think about this a moment. My inner buddha says that by focusing on how this year is different from last, I am focusing on what I have lost. He also says, that by focusing on how I would want things to be, instead of accepting how they actually are, I am causing myself suffering. Really, is it all so bad, Jen? No, absolutely not. I have the freedom to create a better situation, the freedom to create something as amazing as I can imagine. I have my whole life ahead of me, my birthday ahead of me, and the freedom to celebrate it without dead weight holding my mood down. Where am I getting the idea that this birthday would be better if he had stayed? I'm just grasping, holding on, when I should be relaxing, releasing, and letting go. Accept change instead of resisting it. Looking forward, moving on, attempt to create a better kind of relationship than before.

An item of interest, I like this gal's attitude! :) Becoming one of my favorite blogs:

http://wickedwitchoftheweb.blogspot.com/2009/06/no-ipod-no-job-no-boyfriend-no-problem.html

First Day of Spring

A beautiful and appropriate first day of spring, gray and snowing. Appropriate, because there is a little snow in my heart today, although I'm impatient for spring. New beginnings, end of winter, new life out of death. I haven't been able to get warm in months, life is a much colder place without the warmth of our love. I'm ready for the thaw. I'm ready to feel something for someone new. I'm ready - and yet not quite. The snow reminds me not to rush it, not to hold myself to impossible timetables, not to be too hard on myself if I imagined that I would be beyond this loss by now, or by April. The snow today reminds me to be where I am, acknowledge and accept how far I've come and how much further I have to go, to be strong in the knowledge of where I am today. Clearly I'm not as ready for the springtime of my heart as I would like to believe, but I'm closer everyday. I'm ready for new life, new love. I'm ready to be alone. I'm ready to not be alone. Amidst the cold, hard, frozen winter ground is new growth, waiting to spring unbounded from the frozen earth.

Listening to Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" over and over again on my acquired ipod shuffle. I finally joined the ranks of the ipod carriers, I've held out against this development for a long time. I've always considered myself a microsoft kind of person, loyal to a fault. Apple has better marketing, and its targeted right at me. My image of the company is changing. I am now willing to carry an ipod.

Its good to keep changing, changing with the seasons of life, the triumphs and the defeats. I have suffered a major defeat but I am not defeated. I don't know the meaning of the word, I'm riding this wave to the end and I'm not letting it put me under.

"We pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats." - Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

Up in the Air

Everything is, at all times, completely up in the air. Everything can change in a moment. What we perceive as stability is an illusion. Strive for balance, to weather the stormy seas of change. Seek high ground.

"I'm praying for rain,
I'm praying for tidal waves
I want to see the ground give way
I want to watch it all go down...
Learn to swim
I'll see you down in Arizona bay."
-Tool

My own worst enemy

Found this post from September, thought for sure it had been posted but I guess not... it fits with the theme so I record it here, for posterity.


Deep down inside of me is a little girl who always dreamed of being married to the knight in shining armor. Above all of that are layers upon layers of other things - a resistance to authority and the church, a dislike of the status quo, a desire to base a relationship on something else, something other, something that most other people don't. Layers of reasons why I never wanted to get married before now.

So a desire to get married, a desire to join the ranks of the unhappy sexless married couples, who stay together because the state and the church are involved in their union, who stay together because of all of the people who brought expensive gifts to their expensive day; a desire to get married amidst all of my deeper fears of divorce and an emotionless union comes as a big shock to me, and my male counterpart who, unsurprisingly, is very resistant to my urge to be married.

But maybe it is just the arrival of the victory of consumerism in my life. I have been sold the idea of marriage, and anything else seems like - less. Like just because the love of my life doesn't want to get married, after all of the good times we've had and the good times to come, like it means he doesn't want to be with me. But really, I know he does, and I share many of his negative feelings about marriage.

My perspective has changed. I'm facing 30, and I have recently been reflecting on the failed relationship before my current, all the failed relationships before then. But marriage doesn't make a relationship successful - marriage just legitimizes it in the eye of religion, in the eye of the government, in the eyes of our grandparents.

If we don't get married - have we failed? Or have we won - won our independence from societal norms, freedom from being trapped in a failed marriage, the freedom to choose to stay together every day, the freedom to choose someting else if it comes to that. Our relationship transcends the normal boundaries of life and love, this is all an issue of perception - it is possible for us to have more than our married friends.

How do I fight the consumer within? The consumer inside of me that wants my own day, a beautiful ring, a little red dress and a man at the altar who has eyes only for me. The consumer inside of me wants a wedding, however unconventional my values. But it is possible that the relationship I'm in may shrivel and die within the bounds of a marriage.

I hear him say, about an 'unrelated' situation, "There are lots of people out there to marry, if that's what she wants." I have wanted something unconventional since we've been together. I like to play around with the definitions of relationships, with gender and sexual boundaries, to experience more, to make something new and unique. My relationship has been a work of art, a work in progess. If I want something mundane, something everyday, something within the confines of the church, I could have that with any 9 people out of 10 that I pass on the sidewalk.

I can't let the marriage business sell me less. I keep thinking that I don't want to 'sell myself short.' I keep thinking about free milk and all of the other stupid cliches. I think about our married friends, our engaged friends, our friends who will probably be in the ranks of one of those two classifications within the next five years. I keep thinking how special our relationship was to me in the beginning, how superior I thought it was to all others; as these other relationships 'surpass' ours in terms of severity of commitment, it's all too easy to think I want the same things as them. But do I really? Half of these marriages will end in divorce, something I will never want.

I guess I just want some guarantee that I won't be left in the cold with a flame for someone that has lost interest with me. The same old fears that I've always carried around. The same old fears that would follow me into a marriage. I suppose it isn't the worst thing in the world, to be in a relationship with someone who is true to me and thinks of me as his mistress -- I can have my cake and eat it too, while my married friends have babies and get fat. My problem here is a perceptional problem, my problem here is about insecurity and the wrong point of view. My problem here is a society that has at the center of everything Love, with an archaic formula for acting upon that love. If I choose something different, I can still honor the love that my relationship is built on.

This post is a work in progess - just like my life, just like my love, just like all things. Marriage is an attempt to grasp something, something that you can never really get a hold of. I am grasping, and I see that now. I have been recognizing this grasping in my life for some time, and I must remind myself of the Buddhist Noble Truth regarding non-grasping. Grasping is the cause of suffering.

"Why do you try to hold on to what you'll never get a hold of,
You wouldn't try to put the ocean in a paper cup." - Ani

Until the next crisis of faith.

Skydiving Adventure

It fell to me to take pictures of this year's birthday skydiving adventure. I jumped a few years ago, and the experience satisfied me. I enjoyed shooting the pictures and seeing everyone's excited and nervous faces. I recognized the instructor that did my tandem jump, I'm glad to see he's still around living the lifestyle. He helped to make the experience very memorable for me.

Yesterday the sky was clear, the temperature comfortable. A perfect day to jump out of a plane.

Thoughts on Tom Robbins

Just finished reading Jitterbug Perfume and I keep coming back to many of its ideas; the book has gotten inside of my head, inside of my life. I have weird synchronicity when I read Tom Robbins books, very mysterious. Perhaps it is his writing style, or perhaps it is just the right time for me to be reading his stuff. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and ultimately I love his message: to celebrate and enjoy life and aspire to be whatever you will, without limitations. To be yourself and 'lighten up!'

"The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being. Still, lovers quarrel. Frequently, they quarrel simply to recharge the air between them, to sharpen the aliveness of their relationship. To precipitate such a quarrel, the sweaty kimono of sexual jealousy is usually dragged out of the hamper, although almost any excuse will do. Only rarely is the spat rooted in the beet-deep soil of serious issue, but when it is, a special sadness attends it, for the mind is slower to heal than the heart, and such quarrels can doom a union, even one that has prospered for a very long time." -p. 146

End of July Thoughts

I read Life of Pi a few months ago, and I find myself still thinking and reflecting on the story. The main character is a 15-year-old Indian boy, and his family was sailing from India to America with their zoo animals, when the boat sank and only the boy and a few animals survived the shipwreck. This fell out of a notebook a few minutes ago.

"The volume of things was confounding -- the volume of air above me, the volume of water around and beneath me. I was half-moved, half-terrified. I felt like the sage Markandeya, who fell out of Vishnu's mouth while Vishnu was sleeping and so beheld the entire universe, everything that there is. Before the sage could die of fright, Vishnu awoke and took him back into his mouth. For the first time I noticed -- as I would notice repeatedly during my ordeal, between one throe of agony and the next -- that my suffering was taking place in a grand setting. I saw my suffering for what it was, finite and insignificant, and I was still. My suffering did not fit anywhere, I realized. And I could accept this. It was all right. (It was daylight that brought my protest: 'No! No! No! My suffering does matter, I want to live! I can't help but mix my life with that of the universe. Life is a peephole, a single tiny entry onto a vastness -- how can I not dwell on this brief, cramped view I have of things? This peephole is all I've got!')"

Let this be a lesson to all of us. To do our suffering well, and enjoy life completely and as it is. That is my goal for today.

Celebrate Your Inner Bitch

Having some problems keeping my inner bitch in check lately. One example that keeps coming to mind is a comment I made to one of my roommates, whom I may have recently decided to ignore due to some clashing between us, and some inconsiderate remarks that he made to me. Basically, I decided to take my frustration and unleash the inner bitch on him, because he hurt my feelings. The night he was leaving for vacation, he was trying to thank me in advance for watching his dog by presenting a bottle of wine to me, although he didn't say so at first and I didn't understand at first that it was for me. He asked if I like white wine, and I looked at the bottle and said, "I do, but usually I get the Late Harvest Reisling." He was presenting to me a bottle of Hogue Reisling, and usually I do get the Late Harvest because it's a little sweeter and reminds me of the Firestone Reisling that I tasted on our wine tour of California. Anyway, almost as soon as I said what I said, I realized that it was a gift for me, not just a bottle of wine that he was offering to share with me, or whatever I may have thought. I felt so bad, and I thanked him a bunch of times after I realized this, but the damage was done and the inner bitch had spoken.

Anyway, my point is this: the conflict with my inner bitch comes from my experiences with rage and aggression in my childhood, followed by my ignoring of anger of any kind as an adolescent, followed by my re-introduction to healthy expression of anger as a young adult, and my recent re-introduction to my inner bitch, who seems stronger and more capable than ever before. I let the inner bitch have free reign when I'm in a bad mood, or in a place that I hate like my soon-to-be ex-job. My inner bitch is my shield from the stupidity and stress that runs through the place like a hot desert wind, and allows me to sit on the sidelines and keep a sense of humor about it all.

I think it's important to be a bitch sometimes. The bitch can help establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries. It can be a great vent for frustration and anger. My intention now is to try to aim the bitch as people who deserve it, and to remember my compassion for those close to me. To be sure, there are people out there that deserve the bitch. Aim at them.

Gorgeous Summer Days

How can I post more often when the weather is so unbelievably wonderful for Pennsylvania for this time of the year? Yesterday was the official first day of summer, and the summer solstice, the longest days of the year. And here I am, catching up on the Ron & Fez listening threads, trying the check out the Opie & Anthony animation fest animations, with plans to retire to the cool basement and watch some movies. What a life.

Two more weeks until I start training for my job working with mentally ill adults... I'm 2 parts nervous, 3 parts excited, and 1 part open to new experiences. I'm looking forward to the challenge, and to broadening my horizons, and the chance to interact with people with mental diseases and defects that I've only learned about in books. I find the diseases and symptoms so fascinating, and yet I'm nervous about seeing them in effect in real life.

Read some Tom Robbins, thinking about consciousness, reading Great Expectations (still!) and Altered States of Consciousness (so terribly fascinating, happy to be keeping up on technical psychological language). Received another copy of The Fountainhead as a gift, usually I would take that as a sign to re-read a book, but I'm just not up for that one again so soon. We The Living has been staring me down from the bookshelf, but I am reading very slowly these days and committing very little time to reading. Perhaps I should skip the movies and sit in the sun to finish GE today... and yet perhaps not.

GREAT documentary on They Might Be Giants, I happened across it on demand - I think it is called "Might Be Giants" - highly recommended for the They Might Be Giants fans out there. Listening to the songs is half the fun! (Learning about John & John is the other half)

Is It May Already?

Time is flying these days, faster than usual it seems. I find myself a little restless, with a surprising day of freedom. I am on vacation for the weekend, away from the city life, with dogs and green everywhere I can see. The beauty of the spring in Flagstaff is a different sort of allure than Pennsylvania in the spring, but PA is so green, green everywhere. Reflecting on Pennsylvania - 'Penn's Woods' - lately, the peaceful quakers like William Penn that settled here and called this place home. Reflecting about this place as where my people are from, about how where I'm living now is also where my mother grew up, not far from where my father lived once. I appreciate the area in a whole new way, which is quite unexpected.

I do not, however, appreciate the city in a new way. I an thankful to be out of it when I am. Being among so many people, competing just for my own space in the world among so many that will trample you to be one space ahead... it's a demoralizing way to live, like a rat in a maze, like relinquishing our free will for a dollar. A dollar that is worth less and less.

It's so relaxing here, in this area that I know as home but feel less and less at home as time passes... I feel more displaced the longer I am here. My mother sold the home where I grew up, and I feel uprooted and a little lost. Thoughts of returning to Flagstaff come up often, but I'd just as soon move on to somewhere new and beautiful and unique.

Quote of the Day
"True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment."
– William Penn

Too Long Away

If I haven't been blogging much lately, it's not for lack of writing. I blame internet problems, my full-time job, and general life events. I have been listening to massive amounts of Opie & Anthony lately, which helps the time pass at the job, of which I need to say no more than - it's redundant, but requires nothing of my mind so I'm free to listen and think my thoughts. I have been thinking a lot of thoughts. I'm surprised to say that my develpmental psych professor was right, I miss school, and I'd like to get another degree. I would like a degree in - well, too many things to mention or list, which is part of the problem. Another part of the problem is the GRE and my lack of motivation to study. I did dig out my GRE book. I did not open it. Part of the problem. But I think of studying philosophy and english, and I think of getting an advanced degree in psychology, but it's so hard to narrow down.

I've been reading Life of Pi, a really great novel. I did not get far into Help Wanted, Desperately, which was written by a UPenn person but found that I was NOT in the mood for a beach book and had to put it down. That doesn't happen to me very often. It made me realize that if I ever put together enough words to write a book, I don't ever want to write a fluff book for the beach. I would definitely have to handle more serious, heavier subject matter. But my fear is - yes, writing a beach book.

I've been grappling with my writing demons but the desire to write always comes out on top. Reading a book of Ayn Rand's Q & A, and a line I can't stop thinking about. When asked how to translate the desire to write into the will to write, Ms. Rand answered, "Try Hard."

The Q & A book is really interesting, I read through it last night and although I didn't understand all of the questions regarding politics and the economy, I liked her style. I like how she stands by her philosophy no matter where the conclusions lead. She stands firm, and stands firmly against the loss of personal freedoms. Her answers have given me much to think.

And I have been, and I do. With the election coming up, I wish Hunter Thompson were here, I wish Ayn Rand were here, I'd love to hear what they would have to say. I listen, I search, I am seeking what I have to say. They inspire me, to trust my own mind, to think my own thoughts and opinions, to have the confidence to stand behind my own philosophy.

One last thought, in a quote from opening page of Ayn Rand's Philosophy: Who Needs It: "A philosophic system is an integrated view of existence. As a human being, you have no choice about the fact that you need a philosophy. Your only choice is whether you define your philosophy by a conscious, rational, disciplined process of thought... or let your subconscious accumulate a junk heap of unwarranted conclusions..."

I'm afraid that my own philosophy has holes, inconsistencies, and is much of a subconscious and a feel-my-way-through-it kind of a thing, nothing that could be depended upon. I have a hard time making decisions, as with my indecision about my next course of action in life. The bigger the decision, the harder it is for me to make, and I love flipping coins for the small decisions. So it is this part of my that the philosophy of Ayn Rand speaks to and inspires. Learning more about Objectivism, I learn more about how I feel by what I agree with and disagree with. I suppose that is a part of learning, and I suppose that is something that I love and miss about school. I love defining myself actively while in contact with knowledge. I love, and miss, learning new things everyday.

Celebrating Three Years of Blogging

So I just realized that it's about a week away from my first blog on blogger. February 27, 2005 is when all of this started, three years of more or less continuous blogging. Right on. In the beginning, I used this quote:

"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked." - Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

I suppose I have only one thing to add:

"Experiments have shown that spiders fed LSD do not wander around doing purposeless things as one might expect a 'hallucination' would cause them to do, but instead spin an abnormally perfect, symmetrical web. That would support the 'de-hallucination' thesis." - Robert Pirsig, Lila

We'll keep on searching for the answers...

Wish I Had My Own Personal Pocket Ani

If only I had my own personal pocket Ani Difranco, I'd carry her with me everywhere. Anything could happen to me - anything - and she'd know just what to say, and she'd play the corresponding song in the perfect version and I'd sing along at the top of my lungs and it would make everything better.

Okay, so maybe that's my music collection on the Dell desktop, and I'm cranking the speakers and everything is in the perfect order on Windows Media Player, so I guess I don't need a pocket Ani after all...

But I'd love one anyway.

Can't wait to bring my drum to Philly, I haven't had the desire to play it in ages, but I have that desire now... just play loud music and bang away until I've worked the office out of my body. Used to love watching "The Office," but man, that shit is how I spend my day, just different humor. Loved the new Simpsons on Sunday night, and the beginning of Family Guy, laughed out loud at both and can't stop singing "America is bollocks" over and over again. Best Simpsons song ever! Or is it a real song? Not entirely sure, and I don't want the thought police knocking down my door for a simple mistake, so I'll find out and get back to you.

Dog Walking Blues

Rainy Monday night, and I'm done my day of working for The Man and walking the dogs. Catching some flak for my interpretation of Ayn Rand, so I'm putting that on the backburner for another day. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

A Perspective on the Ideal

"Well, whose opinion did you take?"
"I don't ask for opinions."
"What do you go by?"
"Judgment."
"Well, whose judgment did you take?"
"Mine."
"But whom did you consult about it?"
"Nobody."
-Jim & Dagny Taggart, Atlas Shrugged, p. 27

This conversation sums up a lot of things about Ayn Rand for me. That, and this excerpt, from a journal entry of her's, used in the introduction:

"If creative fiction writing is a process of translating an abstraction into the concrete, there are three possible grades of such writing: translating an old (known) abstraction (theme or thesis) through the medium of old fiction means (that is, characters, events or situations used before for that same purpose, that same translation) -- this is most of the popular trash; translating an old abstraction through new, original fiction means -- this is most of the good literature; creating a new, original abstraction and translating it through new, original means. This, as far as I know, is only me -- my kind of fiction writing... (A fourth possibility -- translating a new abstraction through old means -- is impossible, by definition: if the abstraction is new, there can be no means used by anybody else before to translate it.)"

One more quotation, from another journal entry by Ayn Rand, that bears directly on the topic of this blog, namely, the Ideal of Human Potential.

"I want to present the perfect man and his perfect life -- and I must also
discover my own philosophical statement and definition of this perfection."

With this in mind, I understand Atlas Shrugged to be a complete success, and I feel Ayn Rand was entirely true to her original purpose and intent. I have begun to heal the rift that opened in my mind when I started to think of ways that Objectivism could be used for evil and wrong in our world. She believed this fully, and used her own reason to come to these ideas, and lived by this. She was completely true to her philosophy, and the creation of this book is proof of that in some way. She was able to become one of the heroes that she has created in her novels - she created herself a hero in the story of her own life. Whether or not her philosophy works outside of her life, of her novels, is of no concern to me. What concerns me is her new, original ideas relating to the ideal of human achievement and perfection. She consulted no one, she honored her own intellect and lived by her own conclusions.

Working...

And it's as crappy as I always knew it would be...

But I'm keeping my spirits up, still starting a dog walking business, although maybe this isn't the right time economically to expect people to pay me for a service that would be free if they just got off their asses. But I'm optimistic. Americans love to spend money, recession be damned.

(Not-So) Late Night Thoughts

Finished Atlas Shrugged today, really enjoyed it. Loved the character of Dagny, such a strong female character, even though I don't agree with all of her choices. Loved the sexual tension between Dagny and Francisco, Dagny and Henry; hated it when she fell for John, hated it when she didn't love Henry anymore. I was attached to their relationship, they grew so much together. In the end, I recognized this book as the great work - of Fiction - that it is.

Floating pleasantly to sleep as I sit here... I had a great time in Florida. I had a meeting with my first ever dog walking client - she has a little boxer-pit mix who is just the cutest dog I have ever seen, except for the Wookie Man. I start my business officially this week, with my first ever paid dog walk. Being my own boss is the best feeling of accomplishment I have ever felt. I do, however, go to crappy work tomorrow, doing crappy data entry. It's really to prolong my lifestyle, by working in the short term. I can float on by with just this one dog walking client for quite some time.

In other news, I started reading Jodi Picoult's The Tenth Circle, which I expect to be good but a little bit of lighter reading compared with Ayn Rand. I need to let Atlas Shrugged sink in a while. I definitely do not think that Rand's philosophy works in today's world. I don't really know a world where it does fit, except possibly in that one Simpson's episode that I mentioned before. Seems like a strict, extreme lifestyle that might cause more problems than it solves. I loved the way she described things that have only been vague unsolved mysteries of feelings and half-thought thoughts buried deep in the rear corner of my psyche. She helped me to name some of the things I've felt and never understood. Can't something be good for one person, even if it's not necessarily good for All people?

Atlas Shrugged

I am devouring this book. I can't believe this is only the first time I'm reading it. Really getting into it, the characters, the story. For someone who calls herself an idealist, I really should have read this a long time ago. Here is a story about ideals.

The Fountainhead Diet

Started reading Atlas Shrugged today, and it is fabulous, outstanding. After reading The Fountainhead, I know it is going to live up to my expectations, and I am stunned. Most books don't ever even come close to this. The game is on, so it's difficult to concentrate. My concentration when reading has been really dull, I mostly just scan everything. The String of Pearls (a Sweeney Todd story) was a really bizarre read, and I didn't invest much into it. But reading Atlas today, I made myself really take in every sentence. Forced myself to be present for every line. I know it will be worth it. I love the uneasiness that I feel every time someone asks, "Who is John Galt?" Who is he, indeed. I've been reading Henry and June, an Anais Nin journal, which I love as I always love her unexpurgated diaries. So racy, especially for the time it was written. I am distracted today in my reading with thoughts of starting up the dog-walking business for real, because I love this lifestyle and I feel it is completely possible a thing to do. But today is Sunday, and real work can begin tomorrow. I've set as my goal for today only reading and relaxing. Amazing that I'm here writing this now, but I felt inspired by Ayn Rand. A bonus trip to Florida next week, so excited. I was looking at Amazon's Kindle, which is sold out right now, as a way to read whatever I like on the plane without carrying ten books everywhere I go. But they are selling for ridiculous amounts on eBay. And everything costs a fee, a million fees, it's really designed for a businessperson with plenty of extra money for fees.

Thank you The Simpsons for the Ayn Rand School for Tots. That episode gave me the motivation to start reading again.

Job Interviews and Lounging

So I had my first job interview last Thursday, and it seems like that will be my last for awhile. It was easy to make a good impression, and I am qualified for the position. Now, it's just a matter of waiting for background checks to come in, and a few more steps I have to take. Seems like a great opportunity, working with kids (which I wasn't necessarily looking for) with different disorders, and working on modifying negative behaviors, in conjunction with a psychologist. Seems perfect for me right now, to gain experience and get an idea of what I'd like to do in the future. So, now that's taken care of, I've been chillin', my favorite activity lately. We are getting ourselves situated in Philly, and who knows how long we will be here. No lease, total freedom. Loving the idea of being able to leave in 30. Starting to notice little things, reasons why I loved it so much more in Flagstaff, reasons why I loved it so much more anywhere other than Pennsylvania. But I'm less intimidated about driving in Philly the more I do it. And, on the up side, no parking tickets yet. Love the new show on A&E - Parking Wars - filmed entirely in Philadelphia, about the things that people go through to be here. I wouldn't be surprised to find that the city of Philadelphia makes most of its money from parking tickets. In three years of living in Flagstaff, I received NOT ONE parking ticket. In two years in Philly, I got over $1000 in parking tickets ($500 still unpaid), a boot, a trip to the impound lot, and a trip to the Parking Authority building to pay to get the boot off. Lucked out so far regarding a PA drivers license, worried that a job might require one but not so far. As long as I've got out of state plates, I don't think the Parking Authority can stick it to me. I thought there was a statute of limitations on parking tickets, anyway. Those evil bastards.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So the holidays have come and gone, and now I am sitting here searching and applying for jobs. I feel kind of ready for this, like I've been unemployed long enough. I am trying to use my degree and score some good benefits and time off. It's a lot of work! But this is the first time I've done a job search with a degree, so it's going well. I'm proud of my accomplishments and I am confident that I'll find the right place.

Christmas was a fun day, blew by in a whirl of presents and food and family. I have the Dog Whisperer Season 1 and the Aquateen movie and some good books. My sister gave me The Handmaid's Tale which was interesting. Dad found me a nice copy of Huxley's Doors of Perception & Heaven and Hell. I picked that up, always a great read. New Years was a quiet night, watched the ball drop, had some drinks, hung out while some people got in the hot tub. A nice night.

Went skiing on Friday and yesterday, with passes from Christmas. I do love skiing, but my legs are not used to it. I'm getting back into it slowly.

Back to the job hunt. I hope to post more regularly now that the holidays are over and everyone is back to school and work and there are less distractions. Hope everyone enjoyed their holidays as much as I did.

Sleepy Monday

Woke up from a strange dream in which I was shopping for a new scooter. I can't wait for scooter weather. With the snow we've been having, it feels more like Christmas than it has before. The last few years, we've been in denial about the fast approach of Christmas, but this year it's easier with all of the winter weather. The dog will be groomed today, and hopefully we will finish our shopping and start wrapping. Heading down to Whitehall, first time since last Christmas. I have heard about the changes at the Lehigh Valley Mall, and I want to see it for myself. Off to scrounge up some breakfast and do a little reading before the day begins.

Lazy Sunday

Today was a lazy Snow Day. Taking a break just now from watching the first episodes of My Name is Earl, funny show. Got up and went to breakfast at Suzie's, I had the special - stuffed french toast with strawberries - even though I had my heart set on a cheese omelet. Ah well, there's always tomorrow. Enjoying my time off. We watched An Inconvenient Truth earlier, educational. There's something sort of righteous and holier-than-thou about Al Gore in the movie, but he obviously worked very hard on putting it together and maybe he earned a little of that. Maybe he got that from politics. He seems a little raw about the presidential thing, but who wouldn't be? I'm right in the middle of Sense & Sensibility, and I feel like it could be a story from today's world and not just the 1800s. I guess that's one reason it's a classic. I am enjoying it thoroughly. Still reading Songs of the Doomed and The Dreaming Universe, both very different and interesting in their very own ways. Going to burn one quick, while our young charge for the evening is in the shower. Then, time for more Earl. Have a good night everyone, and dream of the next time that new Simpsons will be on on a Sunday evening.

Can't Watch "Sicko"

I just can't. I keep coming across it and seeing advertising for the movie "Sicko", but I just can't stand to know all of the facts. I am one of the many people that the health care crisis affects, and it is too much to take. Michael Moore has always made excellent points with his movies, and I recognize the seriousness of the topic. I'm just not ready to get really angry about it all.

One of these days, when I'm in the mood to get really angry at someone, I will. In the meantime, I want everyone out there to watch it and change the world.

I am disappointed in Hillary Clinton's health care plan. I don't see a good universal health care plan anywhere in the near future.

"I'm gonna take all my friends, gonna move to Canada, and we're gonna die of old age." (Ani Difranco, "To the Teeth")

Holiday Parties

I had a great idea for a title last night, but now it's gone. That's the way it goes when you think of blogging before bed - all of the great ideas are gone. I think Einstein kept a notebook by his bed, to write down the great ideas that come on the cusp of sleep. I think many great people did that. I am not that motivated these days, or maybe that's just one of the things that are sacrificed when you crash at other people's houses. Although I am enjoying myself a ton, and I am free (for now) of the normal responsibilities of adult life. I do look forward to having my own space, perhaps a reading room complete with bookshelf and comfy chair. Everything is up in the air. To be honest at this moment, I am enjoying the Lehigh Valley, and I am considering starting my business and/or getting a job right here and being near family all the time. Until it is time to move somewhere new once again. After all of the small-town living we've done in the last 3 years, Philly was too city-y for me. Yes, I did just invent that word, but it helps to explain the culture shock. Even a city I once knew and loved as my own, is now overwhelming for this small-town girl.

Just woke up, and I'm drinking chai tea and lamenting that we didn't make it to Suzie's this morning. We could always go for lunch I suppose, but that's just not the same. It's one of the things I was looking forward to, and after three weeks at home, I still haven't gone to Suzie's. Not that I haven't had plenty of breakfasts... I think I'll survive.

Had a great party in Northeast Philly last Saturday. Got to see a bunch of Philly peeps that I haven't seen since last Xmas. Sadly, no Wii was present. Although I must say, if I owned a Wii, I'm not sure I would have brought it to the party either. Anything could happen. I wish I owned a Wii, but it's just too much to ask for. We don't have nice things, and there are very good reasons why.

The party held another happy thing for all of us: after many hours of drinking and partying and waiting up, Jeremy rolled into Philly at about 6 am Sunday morning. Fabulous. Even though he missed the party proper, it was the best holiday party because he was there in the end.

Now, I'm going to settle down with my tea and read Sense & Sensibility. In Philly I started Songs of the Doomed: More Notes on the Death of the American Dream by Hunter S. Thompson, and I barely got through the Author's Note without laughing my internal organs out. F-ing hilarious.

Thanks for reading.

Business as Usual

Spent some time tonight with two very important friends who I haven't seen since last Christmas, when I was home last. Nothing facilitates bonding like the Wii. We bowled, and I'm almost pro. I love these people.

Finished reading Watchers by Dean Koontz, and it had the cutest dog moment in it in the world. The dog in the book is hyper-intelligent and communicates with his people, and at one point they tell him that they would be sad if he ever left. He responded by saying, "I would die of lonely." Awww! Is that not the cutest dog sentiment ever? I hugged the Wookie Man and wiped tears away after reading that.

But seriously, I am Dean-Koontzed out. I've been reading him a lot because they are good stories that suck me in, but they don't require much concentration or thinking. Now I've picked up Sense & Sensibility again, which I started reading while camping, and have been looking at forlornly ever since. Makes me feel like I'm sorta using my brain again. I'm also reading Nightkill by the same guy who writes the Repairman Jack books, and it's kind of a Repairman Jack knockoff. I'm now about halfway through the book, and it has diverted enough from the RJ books that I can think of Jake as his own character and stop picturing Jack, but the beginning is like a Jack primer.

New Scrubs is on, and new Law & Order on tonight. I haven't been paying much attention to the new USA Law & Orders, but this one looks good and relevant. Goren is subjected to torture, and it looks fascinating. I've never seen him look so pitiful as he looks on the commercials. I must watch. I know my fellow Law & Order junkies are with me.

One is Silver and the Other Gold

Met up with two old friends tonight. Both are amazing people, and terribly important to me. I couldn't imagine life without them. So good to be in the same state as both of them, so wonderful to think that such incredible people want me to be in their lives. And to think I wasn't going to leave the house tonight.

On Saturday, I met up with another long-time friend. He got me into Ayn Rand unknowingly, as I found out secondhand that he is really into her books, and led me to pick up The Fountainhead. I had forgotten about my post about The Big Lebowski and The Fountainhead until he brought it up. Now I'm excited to read Atlas Shrugged after speaking with him. He didn't seem too thrilled about my comparison, so I will limit my comparisons with Ayn Rand and other totally unrelated stories. And I thought I was being clever.

This post seems to be going nowhere, but it's really a celebration of the friends I have. My friends are my chosen family, but there is more involved than that. I could choose friendships with random people, but there is reciprocation involved as well, and chemistry, and maybe a bit of luck. How do friendships start? Hard to say, because once established, it often feels like I've known them my whole life. Maybe I did, or maybe in past lives and we've found each other once again. I used to believe in such things, and some days I still do.

The feeling of being surrounded by people I love and have missed for so long is - almost indescribable. Although it is terribly late, so maybe everything I am trying to say is indescribable. Although my heart is still in Arizona with my soulmate, I find pieces of it everywhere in these people that I love here.

The Deception of Dreams

In my previous post, I said I dreamt of someone saying "Je suis 35 ans." But the real phrase is "J'ai 35 ans." My dreams were mistaken. Didn't I say I'd never be a shaman? My dreams like to tease me.

Taking Care of Business

Sadly, I don't have much to say. Haven't been writing much, here or anywhere else. Just doing what I gotta do. Had a long day at the hospital yesterday, and I should probably go back down today. Going down to see Grandmom tomorrow, and tomorrow is also Dad's birthday, so we'll be celebrating. Wedding reception on Sunday, and hopefully catching up with old friends on Monday. An eventful weekend, not much time for introspection and reflection. I'm looking forward to having my own space, I take for granted how important my space is to me until I lack it. Dreaming french last night - someone was celebrating their birthday, and on their calendar had written "Je suis 35 ans" and I can't belive I remember anything at all in french. I believe this statement is the correct way to say "I am 35 years old" although directly translated means "I have 35 years." I'm reading The Dreaming Universe sluggishly, and overall just more aware of the interaction of dreams and reality. Even looking for some guidance from my dreams. Will probably never be a shaman, but it's hard to ignore the allure of having dreams as another way of gaining information, learning from dreams, action based on dream logic.

Thanksgiving

Back in PA after many miles and many hours on the road. Weird to be back home, after so long away. "Nothing is different but everything has changed" - much like that. Wonderful to see so many people that I've missed, and many more to catch up with. Fantastic to be surrounded by family. The drive was nice, but it was hard to believe that Thanksgiving was this week with the warm weather I had. Ran the air conditioner from New Mexico through Ohio during the day, and you wouldn't know it is late November except for the very early sunset. I stayed on Mountain time during the drive, so the sunset came VERY early when I wasn't in the Mountain Time Zone anymore - I guess that's why there are time zones. The days were sunny and warm through the southwest and midwest. It was chilly in Texas after dark, and there was no sign of the Tex-Alaska effect that we noticed in Dallas in June when the sky was still a little light well into the night. PA is cold cold cold compared with that weather, but I knew it would be. Winter can be a fun time, and I do love to ski. Stopped at the Book Addict bookstore in St. James, Missouri - a cute little town, with a railroad track and grass and cute little stores. I could see myself there, if there was something to draw me there. I didn't break any speed records on the drive, and I was traveling for over 40 hours, including breaks. (13 hours and 15.5 hours and 13 hours - long days) Fun to be on the road, and now it's fun to be off of it. Mom made a delicious meal yesterday, and Awesome Peanut Butter Pie... just a fabulous dinner. I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Travels Begin

I have no more reasons to delay, and my travels will begin on Monday. I will be leaving Flagstaff around 8 am MST, and hope to arrive in Germansville, PA on Wednesday evening. I plan three twelve-hour days of driving. I am excited, although with so many false starts it hardly seems like I'll really be leaving. I have settled into our room that we've been in for the last two weeks, with a backyard that opens up into Bushmaster Park, one of the nicest parks in Flagstaff. There is a lovely walking path and dog park, skate park, grass and trees. It is really a sight for sore eyes in East Flagstaff, and the Wookie Man and I have been walking there every day. It's been wonderful staying here, but all good things eventually end. I would love to stay with Jeremy until he leaves on or around December 5, but I really want to be home for Thanksgiving, and it's just too expensive to stay another two weeks. So leave I must, and I will. Asking and praying for good weather and no problems, a smooth ride home, something I've done many times, many times by myself. The dog will be good company, and I've been preparing music for the drive. I am ready to go. My next post will be sometime after next Wednesday and Thursday. See ya soon!

November Blues

It's been so long, I hardly know what to say. I had plans to describe how Adam Sandler's movie Click is like The Fountainhead, but the comparisons are too obvious and the differences too glaring. So I won't talk about that. I could talk about the Tom Wolfe book I'm reading, The Bonfire of the Vanities, but it's kind of like a really long Law & Order episode, which I've been watching constantly; but I don't have that much to say about it. I've been reading it entirely too long, and I'd like to move on to something else. I could talk about my dog-walking business that I've been planning to start when I'm back in PA, but I've been thinking about it too much and don't really want to put it here yet. I could talk about how this is supposed to be a traveling blog and I haven't even gone anywhere yet, but I'm not in the mood for travel today. I'm still in Flagstaff - I was ready to leave on Monday, but it didn't work that way. Saying goodbye is so difficult, even when there will be so many hellos on the other side of the country. And I hate saying goodbye.

The Big Lebowski is The Fountainhead

So we went to the old neighbor's house, and he was watching The Big Lebowski. We joined him. It was funny as always, and the TV we were watching on was HUGE. So we noticed all kinds of details about it that I've never noticed, after watching too many times to say. For example, when he is laying on the rug and Maude comes and punches him out and takes it, he is listening to a tape of a bowling event. And when the nihilists come to his house, the tape he's listening to is Song of the Whale.

As we were watching, it dawned on me that this is the same story as The Fountainhead. It shocked me, because after reading The Fountainhead, I thought surely this isn't true in real life. But it is. The Dude is a hero that is outside of the norms of society: he smokes a joint in the presence of the agrieved Lebowski, his dress and appearance, his obliviousness when the cops are at his place and picking up his pipe that is laying inconspicuously on the table. He is outside of the norm, and he doesn't care one bit what others think of him. His whole existence is to be The Dude, and to take it easy, live in his Dudeness.

The rich Lebowski is a prime example of a second-hander who likes to think he deserves his distinguished house, appearance, Brant, etc. But as Maude points out, he was in charge of a business once and didn't do very well, and has no money of his own. Lebowski would never admit to this, as his appearance is everything.

Lebowski does not like The Dude. He sets out to destroy him, by trying to set him up and frame him for the disappearance of the money. The nihilists set out to destroy him. And he ultimately succeeds. A dubious hero, but ultimately himself and without apology.

Even the name of the movie suggests elements of Ayn Rand's Objectivism. At first glance, it might seem like The Big Lebowski refers to the wealthy, worldly Lebowski... but the circumstances of the movie strip away his dignity and his high esteem for himself, showing him to be a small person indeed. The Big Lebowski, therefore, is the Dude himself, even though he doesn't like to go by his given name. He is the hero of this movie, and he shows himself to be up to the challenges that are presented to him.

The Fountainhead

Just finished reading The Fountainhead today, and what a story. What a philosophy. I am stunned by the power of the book, and by the new ideas I have encountered. Few people have the courage to say what she has said, and over six decades ago. In this story, the bad guy is the socialist-collective-"serve"-"love all as you love yourself" guy - and he is a bad guy. The good guy is "selfish"-egocentric-egotistical, and thinks nothing of others, or what they think of him, and is completely assured of his greatness. A strange hero to encounter, and a strange twist to the ethic of equality of all. In this story, there are the masses on one hand, and there are those few great people who advance humanity on the other. It is the story of how a man struggles to allow his great creations to be made, and how the majority hate him and endeavor to bring him down.

Up next, Atlas Shrugged at some point, but I need to let this sink in a while. I think I'll pick up some Doris Lessing, as she just won the Nobel Prize in Literature earlier this month.

Getting anxious to head east... only two more weeks in Flagstaff. Excited to see Blues Traveler. The last time I saw them was on the Cape in Massachusetts with some east-coast Cracker Barrel friends, and we stayed at the "Cuddle & Bubble". Highly recommend this hotel for romantic getaways. Not so much for a group of concert-going friends partying.

Synchronicity

(written 9/21)

Last week, I was checking the mail in my cool new P.O. box, and there was a Rolling Stone magazine addressed to me, with "Happy Birthday Jen" on the address sticker. I was very surprised, my birthday was two months before, and no one mentioned anything about it to me.

When Jeremy got home, I told him about it and he said that he got it for free and promptly forgot all about it.

Then, I went online yesterday to change my address with RollingStone.com and the "Current Issue" (the next issue to come) has Hunter S. Thompson on the cover.

What Synchronicity!

I have been reading him nonstop since June, and when I received my first issue of RS, I was bummed that HST will never write for them again.

And, alas, he won't -- but I can still read about him and see pictures of him in the next issue. How fabulous. And I can still read all of the hilarious things he wrote before he died. Over and over and over again.

It makes me sad to think of him as a Great Person who did not enjoy their Fame & Fortune while he was alive. I think, like many great artists, it took him a lot of time before people started to see the quality in his work, and that his greatest amount of fame is still to come. He spent much of his life broke and in debt, and people did not appreciate him near enough.

He was far more than a journalist (even a Great Journalist), but how many realized that during his life? Certainly, not me, to my chagrin.

(continued 10/17)

Well, I did receive this issue of RS, and I see the reasoning behind HST being on the cover. There is a book just released, and another coming out, about the great Hunter S. Thompson. There are some clever anecdotes in the magazine, and some great pictures. I checked the new PO Box daily for a while, until I received it. I wanted to make sure it didn't slip through the Postal Service cracks.

Boring Rainy Day

Spent a boring rainy day at the tent, and came in to Bookman's for a delicious hot chocolate and to use the computer. Listening to Radiohead's newest album (dig it!) and finishing up Jennifer Weiner's novel Little Earthquakes which is quite good. I'm on a Jennifer Weiner kick, ever since reading Good in Bed and followed that up with In Her Shoes. I love how her stories take place in my old stomping ground of Philadelphia, and her well-to-do characters live in Rittenhouse Square and eat at all the restaurants that I applied to work at back in the day. Her characters really are amusing. My favorite was Cannie, from Good in Bed. Laugh out loud funny, but also a tearjerker. "Chick lit" is something I never took very seriously but I see now that I love it. This latest, Little Earthquakes, really only appealed to me because of the Tori song "Little Earthquakes":

'We danced in graveyards with vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings never afraid to burn
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their color
Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh these little earthquakes
Doesnt take much to rip us into pieces'

The book itself is not the kind of story I choose to read lately... but again, it's this Jennifer Weiner kick I'm on. It's all about four women and they all have babies and the troubles at home with their marriages and so forth. I like it least of her three books I've read, but I'm just not that into babies, and I already knew that adding a baby to some marriages can be a marriage's death sentence.

I've also had time to read the new Repairman Jack novel Bloodline. Loved it, just the way I've loved the others. After finishing it, I had the hankering to sit down and talk deeply and profoundly about the series, and how it's going to work up to the end. The interesting thing about this series is, it runs parallel to another series with similar characters and set into the same F. Paul Wilson World, but the other series was finished before he continued writing the Repairman Jack series. So, the end book, Nightworld, is already written. Of course, that was like ten years ago or more, and then he brought Repairman Jack for his own series. So, in truth, I know how it will all end, but I don't see how it's all going to fit together. Not to mention, he's already re-written the last book, Nightworld, to fit in all of the goings-on of Jack's series. I haven't seen a glimpse of it. Pollywog thinks that he will release it in order, after the last Jack book. The original Nightworld is difficult to find, and the paperback is on Amazon, used, starting at $13. I keep looking for it here at Bookman's.

Also here at Bookman's is Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Volume One, on DVD. I want it! But I haven't been into movies lately, and I can hardly justify it...

Next up on my reading list is possibly Cesar Millan's Be the Pack Leader, although in truth I don't really want to read it. Seems like it will be more of the same. Then, more Jane Austen (Sense & Sensibility, to be followed by Pride & Prejudice), more Edgar Allan Poe for the Halloween season, with a healthy dose of Anais Nin and... and what else, I cannot say.

Oh yea, and I cannot wait to get my hands on If I Did It - just to read his confession. Finally, after all these years, and following the trial on TV in high school, it will be interesting to read.

I know I've been shirking my blogging duties, so I know this should be a good one. There is also a scheduled outage at 4:00 pm. Darnit. I am working on transcribing my old journals, for several reasons. For one, journaling has been my one piece of work that I can continue working on. It is my muse. I love talking about myself. And because they are my memories. Many things I've forgotten.

Since my novel concerns my past (what else?), this is part of research for that piece of work.

Also, I've recently picked up one of Anais Nin's published journals, and I realize that although she was an accomplished writer, it is her journals that I think of when I think of her as a writer. It was her life's work.

And so my journal is mine. Back to work.

Fall Festival

This weekend, I helped Jeremy run The Munchies, for the first time ever. The Flagstaff Nordic Center, which he provided food for last winter, had their fall festival. This is Jeremy's last Munchies gig for 2007, and I was happy to be a part of it.

The festival was intended for families, but there was something to please everyone. Except beer, but we had our own stash. It's good to work for the Munchies! Although, I stayed away from preparing the food, even though I have my food handler's card, so it would be legit. But that's not really my thing. I was in charge of the cash box. Jeremy made fun of the way I would figure out customers' totals in my head, so maybe I'll come up with a better way for next weekend.

If you are in the Flagstaff area, this weekend may be your last chance to have The Munchies! At least until next spring (at the soonest) so come on out! You've already missed their signature burritos and Ultimate Nachos, but there are still regular nachos, burgers, hot dogs, and brauts.

Orange October Happiness

I have been loving the month of October. I never fully realized how much I love it - or maybe I just love it extra this time. I'm thinking it might be my favorite month this year. I'm loving the transition to fall. The transition in Flagstaff is so nice, because the days are still very warm. I do miss watching the leaves change; all we have at the tent is ponderosa pine needles falling everywhere, but no multicolored leaves.

Reading The Secret Life of Bees, a kind of women's story, very moving. Makes me crave honey and want to be a beekeeper.

Also reading a lot of Edgar Allan Poe, and staying up at night thinking about Madeleine Usher outside my tent, and the beating of the Tell-Tale Heart, and the bells bells bells... Good October reading, I'm so ready for Halloween. And the Day of the Dead... Dia de los Muertos... Jeremy was trying to tell me last night that the Day of the Dead is Cinco de Mayo, and I didn't believe him because Cinco de Mayo is Independence Day. I knew it was right around this time of year - and so it is, Nov 1.

Nov 1 is also a great day to go to the grocery store and buy all the Halloween candy that is by then completely devalued because it's not Halloween anymore (it's Christmas marketing time!). That's what we're going to do. Buy all the Reese's peanut butter pumpkins and eat them! And then I will head home after our celebrations and eat Mom's pumpkin roll. Eat it!

Setback

A minor setback to the traveling plans: a minor car accident on Thursday, little more than a fender-bender (for me, not for him) but I will find out today if it was the other guy's fault (it should be) and will get the car back to the mechanic for repairs. Bummer, man. I had a light replaced on Wednesday, along with some other minor repairs, and then on Thursday - the very next day - that light was crunched, as well as the right front of my car. Just submitted the claim, must contact officer to find out fault. Such a bummer man, but I guess it could have been much worse. *sigh* Just glad I didn't buy a more expensive car, which I almost did, with insurance I couldn't quite afford.... it's better this way.

One Week Left... but reconsidering

So, if I stick to my plans, I have one week left in Flagstaff. I plan on leaving next Monday. Definitely bittersweet, especially with leaving my love here in the cold. Not that it'll be less cold where I'm going, but it'll be colder for being alone. At least I have the dog to keep me warm at night.

But I'm ready to go, and I long for the road. If only he was coming with me...

So if I don't leave on Monday as I plan, everyone will know why.

We watched The Departed last night, not a bad movie. It seemed long, but maybe that's because we haven't been watching movies or TV at all. I'm reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings and also Emma. Catching up on my lifetime required reading that I never got around to. I have so many books on hold at the library, that I don't know how I'll possibly get them all read before it's time to go.

I had a dream last night that I was booked to go to India, but I didn't want to go there throughout the whole dream and at the end I got out of it, and stayed at a gorgeous hotel in Mexico at the beach while everyone else went.

*sigh* Perhaps I will stay in Flagstaff a little bit longer. I do so love that my myspace page says my hometown is Flagstaff, and I'm so proud of my life here. But I miss everyone back east terribly. I know as soon as I leave Flagstaff, I will long to be back.

Books Books Books

Never want for another book to read again.

www.gutenberg.org

I like that site much better than bartleby.com, because you can download the ebooks, and save them in text/PDF format to your jump drive. That's what I do. Mostly classics, not too modern. Good use of the internet.

Finished reading Wheel of Darkness by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child. Quite a fascinating story, taking place partially in Tibet, with a great deal of Tibetan Buddhist artifacts and lore. As I just completed a Tibetan Buddhism class in my final semester at NAU, I am proud to say I was not able to discover any mistakes (not that one semester makes me an expert). I enjoyed reading it, although for anyone unfamiliar with the Agent Pendergast novels, it might be less enjoyable. I found him particularly hard to like in this book, which would interfere with my liking the book if I didn't already like him a great deal. Makes me think about a career in the FBI. I liken him to Special Agent Cooper from Twin Peaks, as both of them are interested in eastern traditions, meditation and so forth, and both use eastern techniques to solve western crimes.

Survived my three-day training stint at work - barely. I am so glad I left there when I did... I am not eager to return to work -- any work -- yet.

My goal (in keeping with my budget) is to stay around camp all weekend, and read and play and walk there. The Wookie Man totally needs a good walk, and so do I. So, I am off to finish errands and hang around camp. You can find me there...

No Smoking

At the end of August, I celebrated my fifth anniversary since my last cigarette. I quit in such a way that it made my stomach turn to think of lighting another smoke, ever. But now, five years later, I've been thinking of smoking more positively. It still looks cool. Sometimes I think it would be preferential to biting my nails, and the other habits I have made with my hands and mouth to make up for the habit of a cigarette. I also feel like it's more social to smoke - bumming a smoke from a stranger is an instant bond.

With that said, I know that I won't be a smoker again - I'm not even a smoker in spirit, as I said when I began the process of quitting. It was inconceivable that I would ever consider myself a non-smoker. Now, it is a part of my identity. I am a non-smoker.

Jeremy, my partner in crime, quit a short time before me. Sometime since we moved to Flagstaff, he became a smoker again. I watch him and I see that smoking can be a very sexy act, and I want one. I've been fighting the urge. I went to get a pack of cloves one day - what turned me on to smoking in the first place - and they didn't have the mild kind that I prefer. So I took it as a sign.

My desire for another cigarette has since waned (it helps that I've stopped watching Domino - that movie gave me the urge to smoke more than anything else has). Now, I am putting up some statistics, to remind myself and others why I gave it up so long ago, and why I continue to fight the urge.

• Smoking causes about 90% of lung cancer deaths in women and almost 80% of lung cancer deaths in men. The risk of dying from lung cancer is more than 23 times higher among men who smoke cigarettes, and about 13 times higher among women who smoke cigarettes compared with never smokers.1


• Cigarette smoking approximately doubles a person’s risk for stroke.

from http://http//www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/Factsheets/health_effects.htm

Of course there are many more statistics, but those alone have helped me fight the craving. However, there is sufficient data (for me) that suggests that replacing that pack-a-day habit with a more moderate smoking of marijuana is much more healthy, and better for you. More on this soon to come in future posts. Medicine, not marketing (and addiction).

Fall in Flagstaff

The weather has officially turned to fall here in Flagstaff. It serves to remind me that my goal is to enjoy some of the fall in Maine. As with last year, the change from summer to fall has happened overnight. In completely uncharacteristic Flagstaff weather, it continued to rain all last night. Much of our stuff is soaked, but we slept in a dry bed, which really makes all the difference. Had to forgo the morning tea today, as it was in our dry foods bin that is NOT waterproof, and contained two inches of water in the bottom this morning.

The cooling temperatures have me ready to leave the tent life and get on the road.

I recently finished reading the latest Harry Potter book again, and it was even better the second time. A few more pieces fit into place, things I missed while reading excitedly the first time. In comparison with the Sopranos final season, this book was an extremely satisfying ending to the Harry Potter story. *contented sigh*

I also finished reading Hell's Angels, Hunter S. Thompson's first published book. A great read. I didn't really hear his voice until close to the end, but it's there. He wrote it before the term 'gonzo journalism' was coined, and its a more subtle example of his writing when compared with something like Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. I never thought I cared about the topic, the Hell's Angels, but I really enjoyed it.

At the moment, I am in between books. I am waiting on the new Repairman Jack, Bloodlines, and I'm also waiting on the Preston/Child Wheel of Darkness. Send me any book suggestions you may have...

Raining in Flagstaff

I am writing from a dry spot of Flagstaff. It has been raining quite a bit today, and our tent is a little drippy. It has held up well so far (during the monsoons - which are apparently over, according to the Daily Sun), but today was too much for it. We are hiding in Bookmans, shopping for books and staying dry.

I'm getting very excited for travels to begin. My ex-work asked me to come in this week and train their new person, and I've agreed. I could use the $, and I have the opportunity to get some good letters which I had forgotten to ask for before I 'left', and I still need to roll over my 401k. So its not a total waste. Still, I am dreading it. I have not had enough time off to enjoy going in to work. One plus is, its sort of like my second home, so I feel really comfortable and confident there, like I am the professional that I've become.

Mom mentioned that she has heard it's getting chilly here at night, and indeed it is. Not chilly enough to force us out of the tent (yet). We've been keeping warm, so far so good. And the sun during the day is warm enough to make us forget about the midnight chill.

Well, it is soon time to face the rain once again. Stay dry out there, and good night.

Random Tuesday Blathering

So today I was inspired to take pictures of our campsite and post them here. But I couldn't find the camera anywhere. I'm pretty sure Jeremy has it, we're trying to sell my crappy white Hyundai. It was sold yesterday, but when the buyer drove it for a test run, he KILLED the rest of the clutch. It was going, has been since we bought the thing, but wanted to sell it as is, needing only a clutch. Now, it needs a clutch before it can go anywhere, and the price has dropped. *sigh* I just want the scooter up and running before I leave Flagstaff. I'd love to strap it on the back of my brand new car, my not-so-pimp (but oh so practical) Mercury Sable wagon. It is so practical, with its little roof rack (where I intend to carry my every earthly belonging), room enough to sleep two & a dog comfortably (we tried it out one rainy night before the tent was up), and if I wanted, I could put a tow package on the back, and a trailer, with my cute-ass scooter. Then again, I could always get another when I get to where I'm going - with the cost of a trailer & tow hitch compared with the cost of scooters themselves, it seems the more practical option.

In other news, I watched Pan's Labyrinth last night - very sad and disturbing. Graphic. A lovely 'adult fable' as it is called on the DVD cover. Not sure what kind of mood I'd recommend this movie for - not for an anniversary (like the time we were celebrating our 2nd anniversary and watched Requiem for a Dream - do NOT EVER do this) - but I watched it on a nice, rainy afternoon, and that was okay. I cried, be prepared.

I was feeling ready to pack up the car and leave for the road today, because our second deflatable mattress showed that it can indeed be inflated in under a few minutes, and can deflate within an hour (your ass is on the cold hard ground long before morning). Our other mattress, which we have been using, is deflatable as well, but it retains air until the morning. I dreamt all night - literally - about the Burrells' HUGE inflatable mattress that we slept on at Christmas, and that Kory slept on in North Carolina. That thing - I'm tempted to go and buy one today. With its own inflator built-in. Quality.

A Whole New Era of Blogging (for me)

So, I am determined to blog more. I have free time, and the only writing I feel inspired to do at this time is this blog. I am planning my travels, and I want to keep this page updated with those plans. I also want to be able to hash out my plans, over and over if necessary, because I seem to change my mind every other day. The real problem is that I keep thinking of things, places, events I want to see, and I try to tack it onto the end of my travel plans, or stick it in the middle. But it's just not possible for me to drive up to the northwest - Cali, Oregon, Washinton, Vancouver - and then to visit Colorado (love it there, could live almost anywhere there), New Orleans, the southeast US, up through PA & New England. I'm finding I need to trim it down. All of that = the whole damn country.

For now, I think I will stay in Flag for the month (waiting on the new Repairman Jack book - the end of the last left Gia & Vicky barely alive but quickly recovering, and Gia lost her baby... these things have yet to be dealt with, and I'm on the edge of my seat). Oct 1 will find me on the road, hopefully, and in PA for a week, and then travels up through New England, ending in Bar Harbor, Maine.

I'm making progress on leaving Flagstaff, with some hard effort at the storage unit today. I still can't believe how much stuff I have, even after getting rid of a bunch of it in the past few months. Need to de-stuff my life.

For now, I really and truly have plans to keep this updated, so please read faithfully. Have you heard about Google Reader? You can save your favorite blogs, and when you open Google Reader, it shows you the new posts that you haven't read yet, for all of your favorite blogs. Check it out! Great for killing a little time at work.

Travels Begin, & a Reflection on what is being left behind

Last Friday, August 31, was the last day of my old life, and the beginning of my new one. This week has been one of transition, of beginning a new way. I began my travels, ended my working relationship with my employer of 2 ½ years, and left my house of 3 years. I traveled less than 5 miles, from my old house, to our favorite campground. Jeremy & the Wookie Man (our doggie companion) and I moved here when we first came to town, the August of three years ago. It was a wonderful experience then, and is truly fabulous now. We wake up and go to sleep with the sun, we live in our tent (cheap rent!), and we pee in the woods. My life is infused with a wonderful woody-pine scent of the Ponderosa Pine trees, and my daily life is surrounded by nature.

Many of my favorite adventures have happened in Flagstaff. It was a place I came to so long ago, to start a new routine and a new way of life, far away from people who influence me and keep me stuck in familiar roles. To reach my full potential, or to seek it, whatever it may be. Potential is a sticky subject, like the American Dream. Difficult to pin down, impossible to attain, but somehow still worth the search.

Now, happily unemployed and finished with school, I am developing a new agenda. I am starting my travels here, a place I love so well. Daily life of school and work can really take the traveling out of life. I intend to start exploring some of the places around here that I never had time to with everything else going on.

This will be a blog of my travels and adventures on the road. I expect to embark on the long road sometime in October, but until then I will take day trips and go hiking and explore all of the places I’ve missed out on seeing because I’ve been too busy.

After a week here, I see how easy it is to fill a day with meaningless tasks. I intend to use the days of the next month to catch up on reading (including the new Repairman Jack, coming out later this month) and see the town with new, travelers eyes. I will try to wander the town as a vagabond, an adventurer, an explorer (but NOT a tourist – there are too many of them here). I will see the things I haven’t seen in five years of non-consecutive Flagstaff living. I will soak it all up in this month, and eventually head out for my distant destination: Bar Harbor, Maine where my good friend Bob lives, and where Steven King’s novels take place, and Mt. Katahdin, the northern terminus of the Appalachian Trail. (Maybe I’ll walk home from there, the AT is practically in my Mom’s backyard, maybe I could make it by Christmas?) Possibilities, there are so many for me at this, the beginning of my travels. So many places pop into my head that I want to see, while trying to maintain a realistic budget and stay out of a job for as long as possible. I am seeking a way to make an income without a job. I wouldn’t care if I never had a job again (graduate school is looking like a good possibility as far as that goes – school is school but it sure isn’t a job).

An Excellent Read: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver

Finishing up this excellent read today, and I think it’s really important that our generation learn some of the things I’ve learned from this book.

1) Lettuce, tomatoes, apples, carrots and potatoes – as well as most other fruits and veggies – are NOT in season year-round. They only seem that way because they are shipped from all over the country/world into our grocery store’s produce section. This is a huge price to pay, in terms of oil for transportation (which the huge corporations don’t have to pay for – they are tax-deductible – this price is paid by American taxpayers), food refrigeration/freezing; and quality of the food suffers as well. Produce is not meant to be shipped anywhere, it is to be enjoyed fresh and in season for the best quality of taste.

2) There are so many more varieties of fruits & veggies than what is available in the grocery store. Foods that do better in certain regions and certain times of the year (and that don’t travel well) are going extinct. Same for livestock. Heirloom vegetables and livestock are available, with special qualities: “superior disease resistance, legendary flavors, and scarcity… hundreds of old-time varieties of hoof stock and poultry, it turns out, are on the brink of extinction” (p. 91)

3) Turkeys don’t breed. The Butterball turkeys that everyone eats (99% of the 400 million turkey Americans eat per year) are one variety – Broad-Breasted White.

“If a Broad-Breasted White should escape slaughter, it likely wouldn’t live to
be a year old: they get so heavy, their legs collapse. In mature form, they’re
incapable of flying, foraging, or mating. That’s right, reproduction. Genes that
make turkeys behave like animals are useless to a creature packed wing-to-wing
with thousands of others… so those genes have been bred out of the gene pool. “
(p. 90)

Now, honestly, ask yourself which of these things you knew to be true before you read them here. Have you ever even thought about any of this stuff? Because, to be honest, I never have.
The purpose of writing this book for Kingsolver was to share her experience of living on locally grown produce and livestock. Her family cultivated their own vegetable garden and fruit trees, and did the rest of their shopping at the local farmers market and from other local farmers in their region of Virginia. The book is characteristic of other Kingsolver reads: biology, science, and art carefully crafted into a pleasant non-fiction read. She reintroduces a way of life that was truly a way for many of the people in our country before big corporations took over food production and started putting small farmers out of business. Now, there is basically no protection for small farmers, and the ones that do stay in business largely work for the corporations directly. Buying food from California in the local grocery store does NOTHING to help your local family-owned farm ten miles away.

The argument is similar to the arguments of vegetarianism that I’ve heard before – you don’t have to do what they did, and cultivate your own food. But you CAN buy locally-grown food from local farmers for one meal per week. By doing this, they felt they sacrificed little – high-fructose corn syrup, which they found they didn’t miss a bit; seasonal produce – it’s here and it’s gone, but they managed to eat their fill, save what they could (freezing/canning), and wait for it the next time around. But they didn’t feel they sacrificed quality, or taste. Everything they ate was at its peak of taste, in original formats (no Red Delicious apples or Iceberg lettuce for them – many heirloom and scarce varieties of food that I’ve never even heard of), with higher nutrient contents than commercial veggies and animals.

An excellent, informational read that left me stunned for not having thought of these things. Humorous and original, inspirational and full of hope, this book provides an alternative way of living to the commercial animal feed lots and same old ho-hum varieties of food at the grocery.

Channeling HST

"There is only one winner of the National Championship. The rest will be Losers. That is how it works in the USA - especially in times of War, and this incredibly mismanaged War on Iraq will not be going away anytime soon. This one is a Tar baby, sports fans. It has already shot damaging holes in our national confidence and made dangerous Fools of whoever is running the Pentagon - not to mention the stunning $1,000,000,000 we are squandering every 24 hours to
bomb Iraq back to the Stone Age and starve millions of helpless, unarmed, terrorized civilians to death, in the name of some hateful, ill-advised, ill-fated military Crusade on the other side of the world. How long, O lord, how long? We used to be smarter than that. Indeed, we are truly the squanderer of what was once the American Dream, and our own dreams, for that matter. In two disastrous years, this Waterhead son of Texas has taken this country from a prosperous nation at peace to a dead-broke nation at War, and that is a very long fall. How could it happen? you ask - and I'm damned if I can give you a sane answer... This is not going to be like Daddy's War, old sport. He actually won, and he still got run of the White House about nine months later. That is the dark silver lining in this blood-spattered cloud we have brought down on ourselves, and it leaves a lot to be desired. It is almost impossibly morbid to brood on how many young Americans will have to come home in body bags before the great American voter catches on to the fact that the same greed-crazed yo-yo who slit the throat of the U.S. economy in the name of Tax Cuts and feverish warmongering gone wrong. The whole thing sucks. It was wrong from the start, and it is getting wronger by the hour."

- Hunter S. Thompson, April 1, 2003

from Hey Rube: Blood Sport, the Bush Doctrine, and the Downward Spiral of Dumbness, Modern History from the ESPN.com Sports Desk

Sopranos Supposed Ending

Like so many Sopranos fans, I was eagerly awaiting the season finale - the series finale. I had a great experience with the ending of the Six Feet Under series, and I suppose I was hoping for a little catharsis, a little bit of mind-blowing, a few answers to the questions the series had brought up and never fully answered.

The ending of the Sopranos left a lot to be desired. I had spoken to people who saw it before I did, and they seemed to understand, to be at peace with what had happened. Not so, me... like the rest of the Americans who watched it, in the final moments, who were left stunned - but not in a good way, oh no - thinking that something has gone horribly wrong, only to find out a moment later that something indeed had gone horribly wrong, but not in any way that could have been anticipated.

I'm not trying to make this message a spoiler for any readers who have not seen the sopranos but expects to see it. But I'm afraid it might become a spoiler, as I am upset enough to rant about it for a while.

The problem was, the ending left something that the viewer must assume. This is not an ending, this is not closure, this is not a suitable final act. You, the viewer, must either assume that something happened to Tony and his family, or assume that something didn't happen to Tony and his family. The way the episode was going, Tony seemed to be safe at the end. But what of that creepy character? What of the final moments of silence, darkness, when half of America thought their cable was out? Is this the end for Tony, is this the last thing he saw? Or is that the death of the viewer, while the show continues on in some life-like realm of which we, the viewers, are no longer a part?

It seems like a big fat cop-out to me. I've read enough literature and seen enough good movies and shows to know a good, cathartic, release of an ending. The Sandman comics, one of my favorite stories of all time, left no question as to the death of the sandman, and also his rebirth, and the ultimate change that overtook him at the end of the story. There was even a wake for him, to really love him, remember him, and let him go. His actions culminated in this most final of endings, the ultimate consequence.

An ultimate consequence seemed just for a man that killed so many of the people he loved, a theme that is present throughout the story and confronted in the final season. If it was bad to be an enemy of Tony Soprano, it was worse to be close to him. If only there had been a wake for Tony Soprano as there was for the Sandman, for the characters of Six Feet Under, a way to say goodbye, a way to remember him and his story. If only... but we are left with nothing. Not even a definitive answer - did he survive the series, and live his days in peace? Was he killed by the mysterious man, that no one saw coming in the final seconds? We are left with an incomplete story.

No resolution, no explanations, too many unanswered questions. That was not a proper ending, y'all.